The internet love theme continues with another confession. In the previous article a man recounted his true story of falling into the trap of a role playing maniac and his own self delusions. Victoria's story is entirely different. She did not create an alter ego for herself to hide behind so she appeared on the worldwide web as herself as well as he who made the best of himself at the time of the initial meeting. There were times when for 10 hours running neither was able to disrupt the conversation or the ‘channel’ which connected the two of them. A personal meeting was unpostponable. Leaving her life behind, Victoria crossed the ocean and literally moved into Andrews life, home and family. Their relationship proved to work in the tangible realm of touch and waking together, but then suddenly something changed. Many things happened, but one of the causes of the breakup was the same as what had initially brought them together - the internet. I sat down to talk with Victoria.
The best part of love is always when the feelings are only beginning to take form. Tell me, how did it begin?
When after several months our family was able to financially afford getting connected to the internet I've immediately attempted to locate Hungarians in other countries. I was not the one who found Andrew - who is known as Andris by his Hungarian relatives – but one of my relatives. Within a week of exchanging letters it became evident that we are the same age and I should be the one writing to him. That was the beginning of something incredibly powerful that I now know came from me and it swept Andrew, this man a total stranger to me who lives on another continent thousands of miles from me, with elemental force and energy. At the time I was unaware of this, but to show you what I mean – within two months we've exchanged some 400 pieces of e-mail and met twice each day on IRC.
When after several months our family was able to financially afford getting connected to the internet I've immediately attempted to locate Hungarians in other countries. I was not the one who found Andrew - who is known as Andris by his Hungarian relatives – but one of my relatives. Within a week of exchanging letters it became evident that we are the same age and I should be the one writing to him. That was the beginning of something incredibly powerful that I now know came from me and it swept Andrew, this man a total stranger to me who lives on another continent thousands of miles from me, with elemental force and energy. At the time I was unaware of this, but to show you what I mean – within two months we've exchanged some 400 pieces of e-mail and met twice each day on IRC.
This requires more time than if you were seeing each other regularly. Wasn't it exhausting?
Yes, very. Because of the time difference involved both of our lives were thrown out of their normal rhythm. We hardly slept but love, of course, knows no limits.
Yes, very. Because of the time difference involved both of our lives were thrown out of their normal rhythm. We hardly slept but love, of course, knows no limits.
Nor borders.
Exactly. I was startled when I realized that after having ‘met’ barely two weeks before he offered to pay for my plane ticket to visit him. The topic came up earlier and I thought eventually I would save up the price of the ticket, but then . . . all of a sudden he offered the ticket. I could hardly breath from the surprise – it was a shock, just like a fairy tale.
Exactly. I was startled when I realized that after having ‘met’ barely two weeks before he offered to pay for my plane ticket to visit him. The topic came up earlier and I thought eventually I would save up the price of the ticket, but then . . . all of a sudden he offered the ticket. I could hardly breath from the surprise – it was a shock, just like a fairy tale.
Have you had any other contact by then besides e-mail?
Do you mean photo or telephone? Yes, we did. He called me fairly soon on the phone – I can still remember the first time when the phone rang in the night. It was strange at first, he had a slight accent, but as we spoke more often it vanished or I didn't notice anymore – by that time I loved his voice. It had such rich texture, a deep manly voice. I began nagging him to send me a picture, I was afraid I'd nurture illusions. He was preparing me for the photo, told me which of his relatives looks like him, but that he is older and a ‘more significant’ character and that he has less hair, things of that sort. Even with this, when I saw his picture, I was scared; basically I could not imagine this person ever touching me. After two more weeks on the internet, however, the intellectual and emotional attachment proved stronger and I've decided it didn't matter what he looked like I still love him as before seeing the picture.
Do you mean photo or telephone? Yes, we did. He called me fairly soon on the phone – I can still remember the first time when the phone rang in the night. It was strange at first, he had a slight accent, but as we spoke more often it vanished or I didn't notice anymore – by that time I loved his voice. It had such rich texture, a deep manly voice. I began nagging him to send me a picture, I was afraid I'd nurture illusions. He was preparing me for the photo, told me which of his relatives looks like him, but that he is older and a ‘more significant’ character and that he has less hair, things of that sort. Even with this, when I saw his picture, I was scared; basically I could not imagine this person ever touching me. After two more weeks on the internet, however, the intellectual and emotional attachment proved stronger and I've decided it didn't matter what he looked like I still love him as before seeing the picture.
I'm sure you've sent a photo also, what was his reaction?
That's strange too. When he saw my picture and that of my child and friends, as he later told me, that was when he decided that he would send me a ticket. Actually, most of our relationship consisted of my preparing to go visit him and him waiting for me. He asked me to write him what I wanted and he would do his best to get those things for me. In the meantime I had to get over many reservations – the most important of those was that I was about to tie my life to a man who is not only a stranger to me but also is very different from the type of men I've previously found attractive.
That's strange too. When he saw my picture and that of my child and friends, as he later told me, that was when he decided that he would send me a ticket. Actually, most of our relationship consisted of my preparing to go visit him and him waiting for me. He asked me to write him what I wanted and he would do his best to get those things for me. In the meantime I had to get over many reservations – the most important of those was that I was about to tie my life to a man who is not only a stranger to me but also is very different from the type of men I've previously found attractive.
For example, what kind of expectations did you have when you set out to visit him?
We've discussed it in advance, I went with the agreement that after half a year ‘trial’ if all works out, we would get married. Somewhere I was conscious of the fact this would not be easy. I've come to find out many things about his life while on the IRC to know his life was not ordinary. I'd rather not go into details right now. There were significant differences in education, health issues and general outlook – and as I've said, he was completely different from my usual ‘type’. We've discussed the details and felt there was a very strong magnetism between us. I also looked upon it as an opportunity – somehow I felt, this opportunity was given to me for a reason, and I should find out the reason. Well, I found out, I mean, I don't really know.
We've discussed it in advance, I went with the agreement that after half a year ‘trial’ if all works out, we would get married. Somewhere I was conscious of the fact this would not be easy. I've come to find out many things about his life while on the IRC to know his life was not ordinary. I'd rather not go into details right now. There were significant differences in education, health issues and general outlook – and as I've said, he was completely different from my usual ‘type’. We've discussed the details and felt there was a very strong magnetism between us. I also looked upon it as an opportunity – somehow I felt, this opportunity was given to me for a reason, and I should find out the reason. Well, I found out, I mean, I don't really know.
I think it must be very exciting at the same time disturbing, when an emotional relationship transitions from the virtual into the actual plane. How do you recall that special day?
It was not until the money arrived that I dared to tell the family what I was planning – just didn't want to jinx it. Many people who know me are used to my daring attitude and said I was very brave. If they only knew the doubts I've had, how worried I was. Only my e-mail messages testified to those feelings and Andris tried to assure me. I agreed that we must meet and do it soon. At that point I doubt that God himself could have kept me from going. The night before I was to leave, I couldn't sleep. I've asked Andris to help me with what I should pack. Since I'm not familiar with life there I didn't know how to sort things. He was with me throughout, we ‘talked’ on the IRC every couple of hours and set quick notes by e-mail. Just as I had to run off for the bus, we talked again. He and his friend were cheering me on that Id make all the connections. I've never been on such a long plane ride although it was pleasant enough I remember how much I wanted the time to fly by. My second fright came when I actually saw him although he charmed me with his smile his laughter immediately. We also discussed beforehand, playing out all possibilities of what the sleeping arrangements would be. Finally, weave slept in the same bed from the first night although separately. It was good that he was next to me – he was the only point of security in a country where I was a stranger, where I knew none, didn't speak the language and I went there with no money.
It was not until the money arrived that I dared to tell the family what I was planning – just didn't want to jinx it. Many people who know me are used to my daring attitude and said I was very brave. If they only knew the doubts I've had, how worried I was. Only my e-mail messages testified to those feelings and Andris tried to assure me. I agreed that we must meet and do it soon. At that point I doubt that God himself could have kept me from going. The night before I was to leave, I couldn't sleep. I've asked Andris to help me with what I should pack. Since I'm not familiar with life there I didn't know how to sort things. He was with me throughout, we ‘talked’ on the IRC every couple of hours and set quick notes by e-mail. Just as I had to run off for the bus, we talked again. He and his friend were cheering me on that Id make all the connections. I've never been on such a long plane ride although it was pleasant enough I remember how much I wanted the time to fly by. My second fright came when I actually saw him although he charmed me with his smile his laughter immediately. We also discussed beforehand, playing out all possibilities of what the sleeping arrangements would be. Finally, weave slept in the same bed from the first night although separately. It was good that he was next to me – he was the only point of security in a country where I was a stranger, where I knew none, didn't speak the language and I went there with no money.
It required uncommon courage for sure.
Yet, it was a pretty brave move and its lessons stem from there – more about this later. Andris didn't try to force himself on me and so it was two days later, when the event we've talked about on the internet, yet two days ago at the airport I never thought it could – actually take place. We were alone together, and . . . need I say more? What can I tell you – I fell in love all over again with my once virtual sweetheart – the real live individual. I've noticed that as a result of previous things in his life, he does not communicate clearly, and so I've asked him to let me know if he had concerns, or if he saw things differently than I. We've had our first conflict after two weeks but I thought - and still do - that there is no life without conflicts, challenges. All in all, everything was fine, it was the most beautiful fall I've ever seen. I also began studying the language, during the mornings I went to school. They were the only Hungarians I knew.
Yet, it was a pretty brave move and its lessons stem from there – more about this later. Andris didn't try to force himself on me and so it was two days later, when the event we've talked about on the internet, yet two days ago at the airport I never thought it could – actually take place. We were alone together, and . . . need I say more? What can I tell you – I fell in love all over again with my once virtual sweetheart – the real live individual. I've noticed that as a result of previous things in his life, he does not communicate clearly, and so I've asked him to let me know if he had concerns, or if he saw things differently than I. We've had our first conflict after two weeks but I thought - and still do - that there is no life without conflicts, challenges. All in all, everything was fine, it was the most beautiful fall I've ever seen. I also began studying the language, during the mornings I went to school. They were the only Hungarians I knew.
‘They’ what does that plural hide?
I mean they, because he was raising his youngest child by himself – the older ones already left home. After the full and active life I was used to here at home, my life there became constricted very quickly especially since I've had no other contact. This, of course, was partially due to my lack of language skills. I craved new friends, acquaintances and just as I was at the end of my rope, through an incredible series of coincidences, I've found other Hungarians. Slowly I was making progress with the language, and comprehended more. After the stressful life I've had here, it was wonderful to feel like a woman, to be taken care of, but then somehow many things changed. Increasingly, there were strange occurrences. . . for instance, I was using Andris’ computer for the internet and from one day to the next things I wrote would disappear. When I mentioned this to him, he always had an explanation and by the following day the items would reappear through some magic. At times he quoted from my letters that I wrote out of my loneliness to the folks back home and other friends I've made on the internet who lived in other parts of the world. When stunned I've asked him if he's read my letter to X, he would respond that he doesn't stick his nose into my affairs, that is my business. These things continued to happen and I've noticed that it was around times we've had a conflict. I've mentioned this to him, but he remained silent, and my things always reappeared. My diary for instance. There I wrote much more in it than I used to at home, perhaps it was the strange place, strange surrounding that brought it out of me. I've had dark moments, in fact, looking back I’d say I was depressed. There were times when seemingly without reason, I’d cry through an entire week-end. He held me close trying to comfort me, and I could not understand what was wrong with me when I get anything I want. Then it occurred to me, yes, but that is not what I really want, it is what he thinks I need. I understood that being supported was well and good for a time, but it leads to my being increasingly dependent on him. At home the payments did not arrive for jobs I had done and it made for an increasingly unpleasant state of mind. When I initially went to visit him my isolation was due to my lack of language skills. This was changing where it was due to my being without money of my own and being dependent on him. It was fortunate these things occurred separately – together, I could not have tolerated it. You know what I find strange is that although for some time I've felt that a number of things did not add up, including the vanishing files, the physical side of our relationship was fabulous, up to the very end. Whenever he was around, I've found myself constantly aroused – and I was always drawn to physical beauty before. All of a sudden this man who didn't really have what you could call a good body, had me entirely enamored. I was crazy about him. I could not reconcile this contradiction to myself all the while I've felt he was making sacrifices financially and I didn't want that. I could not be happy with him like that even though the physical aspects were ecstatic. For days I've consumed myself over this before finally deciding I would go back home early. We began talking on an early winter day.
I mean they, because he was raising his youngest child by himself – the older ones already left home. After the full and active life I was used to here at home, my life there became constricted very quickly especially since I've had no other contact. This, of course, was partially due to my lack of language skills. I craved new friends, acquaintances and just as I was at the end of my rope, through an incredible series of coincidences, I've found other Hungarians. Slowly I was making progress with the language, and comprehended more. After the stressful life I've had here, it was wonderful to feel like a woman, to be taken care of, but then somehow many things changed. Increasingly, there were strange occurrences. . . for instance, I was using Andris’ computer for the internet and from one day to the next things I wrote would disappear. When I mentioned this to him, he always had an explanation and by the following day the items would reappear through some magic. At times he quoted from my letters that I wrote out of my loneliness to the folks back home and other friends I've made on the internet who lived in other parts of the world. When stunned I've asked him if he's read my letter to X, he would respond that he doesn't stick his nose into my affairs, that is my business. These things continued to happen and I've noticed that it was around times we've had a conflict. I've mentioned this to him, but he remained silent, and my things always reappeared. My diary for instance. There I wrote much more in it than I used to at home, perhaps it was the strange place, strange surrounding that brought it out of me. I've had dark moments, in fact, looking back I’d say I was depressed. There were times when seemingly without reason, I’d cry through an entire week-end. He held me close trying to comfort me, and I could not understand what was wrong with me when I get anything I want. Then it occurred to me, yes, but that is not what I really want, it is what he thinks I need. I understood that being supported was well and good for a time, but it leads to my being increasingly dependent on him. At home the payments did not arrive for jobs I had done and it made for an increasingly unpleasant state of mind. When I initially went to visit him my isolation was due to my lack of language skills. This was changing where it was due to my being without money of my own and being dependent on him. It was fortunate these things occurred separately – together, I could not have tolerated it. You know what I find strange is that although for some time I've felt that a number of things did not add up, including the vanishing files, the physical side of our relationship was fabulous, up to the very end. Whenever he was around, I've found myself constantly aroused – and I was always drawn to physical beauty before. All of a sudden this man who didn't really have what you could call a good body, had me entirely enamored. I was crazy about him. I could not reconcile this contradiction to myself all the while I've felt he was making sacrifices financially and I didn't want that. I could not be happy with him like that even though the physical aspects were ecstatic. For days I've consumed myself over this before finally deciding I would go back home early. We began talking on an early winter day.
Unless I'm miscalculating the end of the six month trial was approaching. You had to decide where to from here. What was the result of the talk?
We've mutually came to the decision that I would return early to save our relationship. I've cried, but he assured me that we have the basis to begin again. The true shock came when he told me I was leaving the next day – he had arranged everything. I was alone in the apartment, I've cried aloud – I can't leave, I need more time, I know I have to leave but I can't do it just yet.
When I finally realized how strongly he wanted me to leave I didn't protest any longer. Had I stayed against his desire it would have made hell of both of our lives. When he drove me to the airport his last words were: "We'll both work on getting you back here again." It somehow sounded hollow, yet I wanted to believe that we'd be together again by the end of summer. I don't want to detail those things that could have come from an espionage story by the time I've arrived at home, I realized what had happened.
We've mutually came to the decision that I would return early to save our relationship. I've cried, but he assured me that we have the basis to begin again. The true shock came when he told me I was leaving the next day – he had arranged everything. I was alone in the apartment, I've cried aloud – I can't leave, I need more time, I know I have to leave but I can't do it just yet.
When I finally realized how strongly he wanted me to leave I didn't protest any longer. Had I stayed against his desire it would have made hell of both of our lives. When he drove me to the airport his last words were: "We'll both work on getting you back here again." It somehow sounded hollow, yet I wanted to believe that we'd be together again by the end of summer. I don't want to detail those things that could have come from an espionage story by the time I've arrived at home, I realized what had happened.
This sounds very mysterious. What was it that you realized?
He knew all my secrets, my most intimate thoughts. Being a computer professional it was possible for him to read on his computer at work everything I've written on his computer at home. In essence, monitoring my every stir since my only means to communicate was through the net with my family at home and my friends on the net. It is ironic that the internet was the medium that he used to find out everything about me – from me.
Once I realized this, everything collapsed. Funny, when I was still with him I've felt several times that our relationship may crumble at any time – like a house of cards. At that point I did not realize that he's been using this trick for weeks. Once I've fully comprehended what he had done, I've not only felt naked, but as thought I've had no skin and he could see into my marrow. Compared to this my dream, in which I walk among strangers on the street naked, was ‘kinder.’ The problem was not the fact that he knew all of my thoughts, but that he'd read it through his filters.
He knew all my secrets, my most intimate thoughts. Being a computer professional it was possible for him to read on his computer at work everything I've written on his computer at home. In essence, monitoring my every stir since my only means to communicate was through the net with my family at home and my friends on the net. It is ironic that the internet was the medium that he used to find out everything about me – from me.
Once I realized this, everything collapsed. Funny, when I was still with him I've felt several times that our relationship may crumble at any time – like a house of cards. At that point I did not realize that he's been using this trick for weeks. Once I've fully comprehended what he had done, I've not only felt naked, but as thought I've had no skin and he could see into my marrow. Compared to this my dream, in which I walk among strangers on the street naked, was ‘kinder.’ The problem was not the fact that he knew all of my thoughts, but that he'd read it through his filters.
Why do you think he did it? Was he one of those who prowl the internet and because of whom many think the internet unsafe?
No, I don't think so. He's a terribly damaged soul, who was perhaps motivated by the desire to be what I wanted him to be. For weeks after my return, I've attempted to understand why it happened, what motivated him? Perhaps one of my relatives is right, he must have realized early on that there were great differences between us but not wanting to lose me he attempted to find out my secrets and become what I wanted. But with his actions he began an avalanche that could not be stopped. I don't know if you can imagine what's it like to have someone see inside you. What it would be like if you knew everything about a person? I wrote down all my feelings, my thoughts, my doubts and of course my joys and all the lovely things that happened. He never realized the latter and that is also a signal to how much damage he'd suffered in the past. It was once I was home that he confessed his ‘noble deed’ he called it, but he could not give an acceptable explanation.
No, I don't think so. He's a terribly damaged soul, who was perhaps motivated by the desire to be what I wanted him to be. For weeks after my return, I've attempted to understand why it happened, what motivated him? Perhaps one of my relatives is right, he must have realized early on that there were great differences between us but not wanting to lose me he attempted to find out my secrets and become what I wanted. But with his actions he began an avalanche that could not be stopped. I don't know if you can imagine what's it like to have someone see inside you. What it would be like if you knew everything about a person? I wrote down all my feelings, my thoughts, my doubts and of course my joys and all the lovely things that happened. He never realized the latter and that is also a signal to how much damage he'd suffered in the past. It was once I was home that he confessed his ‘noble deed’ he called it, but he could not give an acceptable explanation.
To what extent were you able to get past this experience? Do you resent him?
No, no. I really can't. It was a tough lesson for me, and I've learned from it, although I could not give you specifics right now. As a piece of practical advice, I would say none should go to a country they couldn't speak the language especially without money, and become dependent on someone totally in a foreign land. Basically, Andris has a very suspicious nature and it would have taken an extraordinarily strong character not to take advantage of someone like me who is almost naively trusting. I don't feel I've been cheated even though he lied for months, I've had instincts, dreams that everything was not as it seemed. Looking back, I feel sorry for him – it must have been difficult for him to live with a lie for so long. Now I can understand all the stress he experienced.
No, no. I really can't. It was a tough lesson for me, and I've learned from it, although I could not give you specifics right now. As a piece of practical advice, I would say none should go to a country they couldn't speak the language especially without money, and become dependent on someone totally in a foreign land. Basically, Andris has a very suspicious nature and it would have taken an extraordinarily strong character not to take advantage of someone like me who is almost naively trusting. I don't feel I've been cheated even though he lied for months, I've had instincts, dreams that everything was not as it seemed. Looking back, I feel sorry for him – it must have been difficult for him to live with a lie for so long. Now I can understand all the stress he experienced.
Have you maintained any kind of relationship with him since?
None.
Do you regret it?None.
Somewhere, yes I do. When he told me of his ‘sins’ I wrote to him that it appears that's all we were able to make of the relationship. I've also told him, it didn't matter what he thought of us, especially what we thing of each other – it will be before the Judgment Seat where each of our actions will be judged. It may sound strange, but I have my share of responsibility in this relationship – just as there is no murderer without a victim. I wrote to Andris that if there is such a thing as reincarnation then this is not the first time we've met and as many of the things between were extraordinary, reaching beyond everyday life – we can't get out of this Scot free. If there is an afterlife I'm certain we will meet many times because we've left so much unfinished this time. I would have liked to get in touch with him several times to see how we've each processed what happened and what kind of conclusions we've drawn, but he's isolated himself. I no longer seek him – I must respect his decision but I’d give a lot to see him in person once again. I've forgiven him – and myself – but it would be great, as a friend or a sister, to take his hand and sit with him and tell him, ‘listen, I've loved you even if you've never believed it and thought I've had ulterior motives, I've really loved you.’ This was perhaps the most difficult for me to accept – that he didn't believe me – that I was able to overcome the many reservations I've initially had and fell in love with a man I never thought I could. This to me was the most significant lesson – and since then I've been conscious of the fact and I don't prejudge and exclude things automatically from my life out of fear.
